Growing up, I have always been a very cheerful and optimistic girl. I can laugh on and on over the tiniest thing. Of course, there are ups and downs in life but I usually get over the sad times quickly. Having said that, I would have to say the first few months after I gave birth was one of the worst periods in my life.
I still remember the night after labor. Tears just rolled down my cheeks after my husband and family left the hospital. I felt like something was missing. I told myself that it’s okay - it must be the hormones. Perhaps it’s just my body missing Aaliyah’s heartbeat. Then there comes the nurse with Aaliyah - it’s time to breastfeed her. I breastfed her 3 times that night and hardly rested at all. My husband arrived at the hospital early the next morning and I felt slightly better seeing him. I became so clingy the remaining days at the hospital. All I wanted was not to be alone. 4 days flew by and it was time to go home. I was so excited as I don't have to be alone anymore.
Little did I know, it was just the beginning of my nightmare. First, we have the outbreak of Covid-19 in Hong Kong. Everyone trying to find surgical face masks, hand sanitizers and any kind of disinfectant products. I would stay awake after pumping at 4am to put in orders for groceries and household supplies before they started accepting order at 7am. Then our neighbor upstairs began a 2-month long renovation. Aaliyah was sleeping poorly and that also meant no one in the house got rest. I would hug my husband and cry to sleep. 4 hours later I would wake up to pump and cry again over how little I managed to fill the bottle. I asked my husband, my mom, and my helper the same questions over and over again.
When will these days be over?
When will my tears stop?
When will I feel happy again?
Will I ever feel good about myself again?
I just felt ugly and fat looking into the mirror. I have to admit I am tearing a little as I write this blog post.
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. I started getting used to the lifestyle of less sleep and early mornings. Aaliyah was also sleeping better and established her own routine around the 3-month mark. Friends and family overseas kept me companied most nights while I pumped or waited for Aaliyah to wake up for her night feed. I was getting better, but fragile. I still got triggered by small things and overreacted. It was definitely not easy for me nor my husband and family having to put up with my emotions.
After weeks of self-isolation, we finally opened up to family visit in March when the numbers of confirmed cases seemed to be more under control. Perry’s cousin and his wife, who were expecting their second child, came visit. We talked quite a bit and it really helped me get some of my grief out. A week later, I received a set of breast-feeding pajamas by post from her. I cried after unwrapping it. It really touched my heart to know someone knows how I feel and even got me a gift to cheer me up.
I didn't write this to moan about how I suffered from postpartum depression but I want this to be a reminder to all new fathers and anyone with friends who recently gave birth not to forget about the mother while welcoming the little one. She might look like a tough cookie but postpartum depression is real. Do not underestimate that one text message or phone call. Send love.
If you are crying while reading this because you are going through what I went through few months ago, it’s okay to cry, mommy. Trust me, it’s only going to get better. Your baby will wean the night feed latest by 5/6 month and you will be left with a dream feed at 11pm with which you can easily get your husband to help. With a good routine for your little one and your gradual recovery (mentally & physically), you will have more “me time”. You will be able to hit the gym and hang out with friends again. I cannot tell you that life will be the same because it has been forever changed. You are somebody’s mommy now. To those who struggle to produce enough milk … RELAX! What’s more important than pumping every 4 hours is rest. Your baby can feel your emotions. Breast milk may contain the best nutrients for her/him but there are so many other things that are also important for their development. Why stress over something that does not shape them as a person or affect how they are raised?
You have been doing extremely well, mommy. You grew a tiny human inside your body while suffering months of nausea and vomiting – not to mention the weeks of Braxton hicks and heart burn on top of that right into due date. No matter if you gave birth naturally or by c-section, you are one brave woman. You might never forget the unbearable contractions or subsequent days of pain from your wound but that smile on your cutie pie is all worth it, right?
Eli
xxxx
Eli
xxxx
